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  • Writer's pictureEric

The Fracas on the Farm

Updated: Jan 30, 2019

Eric versus the chicken killing raccoon from April to December 2017

Dingdingding –

Round 1: As the opening bell sounds Rocky comes out swinging with a flurry of devastating blows, blindsiding the farmer and easily killing a turkey and a duck in the same night. Perhaps his early strategy is to take a chicken next and prepare Turducken. Let’s see how Eric holds up to this impressive early onslaught. Round 1 is a clear win for Rocky!

Round 2: Ever the tactician, the cool, heady operator, the man with the plan, Eric gets some good advice from his corner manager “You Tube” and baits a trap, covers it in camouflage, and places it in a likely spot in the woods. Keen to every sound in the night, every rustle of leaves or snap of twigs, Eric hardly sleeps at all. Up at first light, a check of the trap reveals that Rocky must have prepared for this ploy, deftly sidestepping the trap which had been so carefully laid. Rocky retires to his corner after a finger-licking chicken round 2 which clearly went in his favor.

Round 3: After a lackluster performance last round, Eric comes out for round 3 looking rather flat. Unwilling to change tactics, he simply re-baits the trap and then is amazed that it didn’t work this time either. Though the trap had been sprung, a branch from the camouflage blocked the door from latching! Clearly Rocky has a great advantage in the fight thus far and Farmer Eric will have to stage a dramatic comeback if he hopes to emerge from this battle with a win. Right now his pride must be suffering greatly and from here in the boot I is easy to see why! Round 3: A huge round for Rocky!

Round 4: Rocky is definitely punching above his weight class, folks… in case you missed it let me bring you up to speed with the blow by blow analysis. At the close of round three, Rocky had convincingly demonstrated his killer instincts and deftly evaded the trap set for him. Now in round 4 we see that Farmer Eric has added a snare to the arsenal and in a retaliatory strike, Rocky has killed his 4th duck. Enrage, Eric stayed up late and got up early hoping to score a kill but Rocky has outwitted him again. And now Eric is tired…

Round 5-11: No one really cares about these rounds- both fighters dig in for a defensive contest- occasionally one or the other lands a blow but the flurry of killing in the early rounds has slowed. Something in this bout between man vs. masked marsupial (okay, raccoon's aren’t really marsupials but the alliteration was alluring) has changed. When the little cluckers are killed, they are not dragged away… their partially eaten carcasses are left in place and noticeably intact…

Ding Ding Ding – Final Round – Round 12: Carefully Farmer Eric has laid his trap, stealthily he has baited it. The tension builds. He twiddles his opposable-thumbs. Like a great hunter he sits on his ass and does nothing. And more nothing. And then, by sheer luck, “CLANK”!” his trap snap shut and catches his wily nemesis with an inescapable blow! Well… except… what really happened is that our friendly farmer traps his own feral cat. The one he adopted to catch mice. And it is mean. Real mean. Like don’t even think about getting near it or you will be forever scarred kind of mean. It’s head is bloodied from trying to bash its way out of the trap-it is so mean it actually frightens the farmer. So mean that he makes his wife take it to the animal shelter in Troutdale. But they were closed. And the cat escaped. In Troutdale. Take that Troutdale.

What we have learned here folks is that Rocky is one stealthy and dominant adversary. He deftly sidestepped every poorly conceived plan and poked hole in an already porous defense (as well as the greenhouse folks- why he tore right through the wall the other night and took two chickens while they slept!) He is a mauler capable of standing up to even the most lackadaisical onslaught and I would expect his reign to last a long long…

Wait a minute folks- I am getting some news here- It seems that Farmer Eric has battled back- Yessir folks! If what I am hearing is correct, Eric has killed Rocky the Raccoon. It seems that eyewitness accounts are confirming that Rocky has indeed been killed and that the gun has been placed squarely in Farmer Wilson’s hands. It sounds as though his trusty dogs treed the chicken killer and his wife held the light on the beast – a little gentle pressure to the trigger and it was all over.

Winner by knockout of The Fracas On the Farm, Farmer Eric! (expect further challenges to his title.)

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